finding yourself isn’t free

(and talks about body image)

At some point I feel like it hits you on a random Saturday night in your 20’s that finding yourself, learning to love yourself, and overcoming childhood trauma isn’t free. Actually, we might find that it takes a lot more work than we initially expected. It turns out that it takes a lot of practice, positive self talk, and dark jokes here and there to start healing.

It also might start to blow our minds that we’re even in need of healing - we go so many years accustomed to our circumstances, the way we grew up, and the thought patterns that have essentially “kept us alive” all these years that we may not even realize the harm it’s causing us. Things just become normalized - waking up in the morning and immediately checking how flat your stomach is, automatically assuming what others think of us (even though usually, it’s our own judgment of ourselves) - we don’t even realize what’s happening until one day, somehow, we’re reminded that these things might not be so normal after all.

I feel like it takes a significant effort to even come to terms with the fact that we’re all so fucked up in our own way, but even more to actually fix old thought patterns. I mean, no matter how much I’ve tried to tell myself my body is just a body, I unfortunately have not stopped lifting up my shirt in the morning to check what my morning skinny is looking like every day.

So this is where I’m at a crossroads - I haven’t yet been able to prove to myself that these thought patterns which are so deeply ingrained into my brain are in fact, fixable. Does this mean they truly are unfixable? Or does it mean I haven’t tried hard enough, haven’t tried for long enough, to actually see the results? Are we ever really free of insecurity and trauma - can any amount of self work and introspection accomplish such a lofty goal?

As with any other great question of life, my guess is that it’s somewhere in the middle. Perhaps it’s these unfixable imperfections and ways of thinking that make each of us unique. Perhaps these ways of thinking don’t necessarily have to be fixed, but it’s enough to just be aware and accept that as part of who we are. But does acceptance do anything for us? If I accept the part of myself that’s insecure about my body, does that make my suffering any less?